No one ever knows where to start when a thousand different thoughts, happy, sad, humorous, vulgar are all running through the mind at once. Today, lessons continue to be what I’m most aware of.
Sometimes I think I am the cause of not-so-deal things that happen to people when I’m around them. Sometimes I even feel cursed. But when the bad things subside or are worked through, I can’t help but notice the betterment of the person. Either their spirits were higher than they were before the unfortunate circumstance, or they learned how to better communicate (and thus, manifest) what it is that they want, or are more grateful or aware… whatever it may be, they are better off afterwards than they were beforehand. But still, the fact that unfortunate things happen everywhere I go (recently) is somewhat disconcerting.
I, for one, feel like I just worked through half a year of unfortunate circumstances. One unfortunate thing after another occurred to me. But I had a great support system and I managed to keep my head up and my heart in “the game”. And then, with no warning (not that it was needed) things shifted and good things began happening. I met new people that I really connected with and I began feeling supported physically, not just emotionally.
Now I’m back home on the West Coast after 5 months of traveling and I’m in a space of “what next”? What do I want to put my energy into? I feel like I’ve spent my adult life (thus far) supporting others with their visions. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed it, and it has helped me in defining my own visions and desires. But now I’m at a point where, although I’m still very young, I’m just a liiiittle bit done putting so much of my heart and soul and sweat into projects that I don’t stay involved with past my putting extreme amounts of energy into them.  Whether it’s because I move towns, or I simply down have a lot of time, or it takes money to be involved… whatever it’s been, I’m feeling a bit drained from it.
 My BEST friend stopped me yesterday while we were playing catch-up over the phone and she said “You love Mark Twain, don’t you”? To which I replied “Well, yeah. Of course, he’s one of my favorites”. “Then ‘Don’t be sad that it’s over, be happy that it happened’” she said. I couldn’t help but giggle, and then I had a perma-grin plastered on my face for the following 20 minutes.
She got me. She got me good. And she makes a good point, er.. Twain did. Either way, it’s a good point, but the little kid in me is stomping his little feet and saying “That’s not fair”.  I AM happy that things happen[ed]. But, that doesn’t help me from wanting to prevent more circumstances in which I would be “sad that it’s over”. So I’m back to this point. This point where, I want to go spend a few months here, and a few months over there. But I’m done feeling like I don’t have a physical community, or that my loved ones are all only reachable by phone Facebook. I want to be able to bring a bottle of wine and a bar of chocolate to a friends house and sit down with them and share space (something I’ve not been able to do for over 5 months now).
So, that’s that. I’m just in a place of needing to make decisions about  things, and getting my ducks in a row.
But things are good. The air is fresh. Time is on my side. I do have people I love, who love me back. Laughter and music is in the air, as well as the smell of dirt and mint from the garden in the back yard of the house I’m staying in.
Writing can be so soothing. Even when no points are made, and I still end up at the same place I began. 

Advertisements